From a Compassionate Friends newsletter that I received today:
Holidays . . . Perfect Time to Remember Those Who Are Grieving
By Lori Haacke
TCF, Billings, Montana
When a child, sibling, or grandchild has died, friends, relatives, and neighbors may not know how to show the family they care
—and that they remember. This article not only helps guide those who do not know how to help the newly bereaved, but also what they can do when the holidays arrive to show they care.
As the holidays approach, many of us will be thinking of and sending greetings to many of our relatives, close friends, and neighbors. But what do you say to the family that lost a child this year?
It is always hard to know what to say if someone you know has experienced a death in the family. It is especially hard to talk to parents who have lost a child, or a sibling who is mourning the loss of a brother or sister, or a grandparent mourning a grandchild. When you are in this situation and you’re uncertain what to say or do, the following suggestions may help.
When a family experiences a death, call or send a card expressing your sympathy. This simple gesture shows your support and acknowledges their loss.
Expressing your feelings like, “I’m sorry to hear of your loss,” or “I’m thinking of you in your time of sorrow,” or even, “Losing a child (or sibling) must be so devastating, I am very sorry,” will mean a lot to a grieving parent or sibling. It helps to know that other people recognize their loss.
Remarks to parents such as, “Maybe you can have another child,” or “It’s probably for the best,” are rude and insensitive. What bereaved parents want most is for their child to be remembered. Don’t be afraid to talk to parents about their children. Most parents long for someone to talk with about their child. Perhaps you have a special memory or a funny story to share with them. Some people may feel uncomfortable talking to a parent about the child who has died. If you are one of those people, maybe you could offer to listen. It doesn’t cost anything and it’s really easy. When parents can’t talk about their child to other people, they feel isolated and robbed of their right to speak openly about the existence of their child.
Sometimes parents (or siblings) cry when you speak of the child who has died. You shouldn’t feel responsible. They’re not crying because you have hurt them. They are crying because their child or sibling has died. And did you know that crying is a part of healing?
When remembering those parents whose child died some time ago, don’t make the mistake of thinking that it has been “long enough” or that they should “be over it” by now. It usually takes a few years for parents to get used to their new way of life without their child. This is not to say that someday they will be “all better” and things will be “back to normal”. Their lives have been literally torn apart. They will never be the same. Grief has no time limit.
It is important to parents when we remember their child’s birthday and the death anniversary. This is another opportunity to show your support. Let the parents know that you remember and are thinking of them by sending a card or flowers, or by making a donation or dedication in their child’s name. The holidays may be especially hard for some families. When sending a greeting card include a special notation, “remembering (child’s or sibling’s name).” Send a plant or a flower (an iris or poinsettia) at Easter or Christmas. Any gesture, no matter how small, shows that you are thinking of them and that you care.
It doesn’t take much to show someone who has lost a child or a sibling, no matter at what age, that you do care. Your act of kindness will make a difference to those who are grieving.
I miss and love you Christopher – <sigh>
